COACH K AND BRAD STEPHENS AND THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS

Last week I attended a Coaching Roundtable at UT Arlington.  The new UTA head coach, Chris Ogden, had came from the staff of Chris Beard at Texas Tech.  When asked about the keys to success at Tech under Beard, Ogden responded, “Relationships.  He spends more time with them off the court then on.  He believes getting to know his players is 90% more important than the X & O’s.”

Coach Ogden said that daily Beard would meet with players — sometimes armed with only one video clip to begin a discussion.

Our ability to teach at the maximum level starts and ends with the connections we have with those people we want to lead.

In an article on NESN by Joshua Schrock about the Celtics Jayson Tatum, he was asked to compared his college coach, Mike Krzyzewski to his NBA coach Brad Stephens.  His response:

“They are both very, very good coaches. Coach K is a lot more animated. He yells a lot more. Brad is a lot more reserved and laid back. But I think the thing about both of them is how they connect with their players. Brad being so young and Coach K being so old and being able to connect with 18-year-olds, and that’s why a lot of kids go to Duke.”

Two different methods of coaching yet both grounded by their ability to connect to their players.

WHO CLEANS YOUR BUILDING?

I absolutely loved this passage from Coach John Calipari's latest book, "Succes Is The Only Option."

A business executive by the name of Walt Bettinger likes to tell the story of the only course in college in which he failed to get an A.  Bettinger, the president and CEO of the Charles Schwab Corporation, was in his senior year and really determined to keep his perfect 4.0 grade-point average.  He had spent hours studying and memorizing formulas for a different upper-level business course.

The professor handed out the final exam and it was on just one piece of paper, which surprised everyone because they had anticipated a test with dozens of questions, as Bettinger recalled in an interview with Adam Bryant, author of the Corner Office feature in the New York Times.  One side of the paper was blank and when students turned it over, so was the other side.  The professor then said to them, "I've taught you everything I can teach you about business in the last ten weeks, but the most important message, the most important question, is this:  What's the name of the lady who cleans this building?"

Bettinger did know the answer and receiver a B for the class but gained a valuable lesson. These were lessons I was taught working for Dale Brown and Sue Gunter.  It's not the X & O's -- it's about the people and how you treat them.

IF THIS BUS COULD TALK

I'm going a little off the beaten path this morning.  Everyone that knows me knows I love music...its always on in my office...in my car...at my home -- even outside near my old blue chair.  And I love all genres of music.  While jazz remains my favorite I also enjoy R&B, country and rock.  Last night I was listening to a little Kenny Chesney, "If This Bus Could Talk."

It reminded me that a lot of the best memories we have with our teams won't always be on game nights.  More importantly, it is places, like buses where relationships can be developed and strengthened.

Recently I wrote about "my favorite team" -- the West Virginia State Yellow Jackets.  Those teams rode through the snow covered roads of West Virginia on the bald tires of school vans...and they were great times.  The rides to the game -- listening to the players talk about what needed to be done to win (we almost always drove up the day of a game). There was nothing better than the road trip back after a win.  The laughter, the stories, the camaraderie. 

It is said that a lot of games are won and lost in the locker room and this is true.  But the confined dwellings of a van or a bus can go a long way in growing a family.

There was a road trip when I was at Marshall that took us via bus to Cullowhee, North Carolina then on to Chattanooga, Tennessee before heading back to Huntington. After a win at Western Carolina, we had a couple of days in Chattanooga.  As I stayed back and watched video one night, the team took the bus to the mall.  Later that night, I get a knock on the door and standing there is our 6-2 post player Lollie Shipp holding a fairly large bus.

She said, "Coach, I have a problem and I need your help."

"What is it Lollie," I said.

At which she spill the box open on my bed only for me to see a rabbit come hopping out!  It seams that the team walked past a pet store and Lollie felt the need to liberate the rabbit.  After purchasing it, it finally occurred that we were not in Huntington but a long way from home.  After meeting with our head coach and bus driver, our new Lady Herd family member stayed in the bus for our game against UTC before romping up and down the aisle of the bus on our way home.  We actually beat UTC in triple overtime and our beat writer, who rode in the bus with us mentioned some lucky rabbit feet in his story.

There was Marie Ferdinand who got tired of people on the bus talking about their dogs and made up an imaginary cat named Snow Ball.  Her escapades with Snow Ball were epic and entertained the bus always.

In 1998-99, our LSU team faced a four consecutive games on the road in the SEC with Ole Miss, Vanderbilt, Florida and Alabama.  At the time, Vanderbilt, Florida and Alabama were all ranked in the top 25.  Looking at the schedule, Ole Miss was our best chance to steal a road win.  After being behind to Ole Miss in double digits at half time, we fought back only to lose 66-59. It was a devastating loss with the prospect of three more ahead.

As we started home, Coach Sue Gunter asked if I had the VHS tape which I replied "yes ma'am."

She said "Pop it in." 

We place it in the bus video player and Coach Gunter began walking up and down the aisle of the bus as the tape played, critiquing each possession.  Letting players know they better not think about falling asleep.   When the game ended Coach Gunter said, "Bob, rewind it and play it again."

We watched that game three and a half times, all with Coach Gunter commentary, before our bus pulled into the campus on Baton Rouge.  We then upset Vanderbilt in Nashville, and Florida in Gainesville before a tired Lady Tiger team lost to #21 Alabama 71-66, despite a great effort.

Many years later I overhead Temeka Johnson telling our team on the bus as we again headed to Oxford to play the Rebels that there was no way we were going to lose this game.  She then repeated the story about Coach Gunter and the bus ride home.  It later occurred to me that Meek was not on that team and asked how she knew about it.

"Some things get passed down from team to team," she said with a smile.

For me, there is are hundreds of individual conversations on the bus, calling a player up to sit with me for a few minutes.  Talking basketball, talking school, talking life.  I've learned a lot about my players on bus rides and I'm sure they can say the same about me.

Now at Texas A&M, most everything is charter airplanes for our Aggies.  And don't get me wrong -- they are great and much appreciated.  They help get our team back and forth much quicker, allowing them to miss less class time.

But don't underestimate or underappreciate those times on the van or the bus.

"Many years of summers, and I hope it never ends
Been down so many highways, full of twists and turns and bends;
We caught lightning in a bottle, somehow we survived it all
All the stories he could tell, if this bus could talk."

 

-Kenny Chesney

     

RELATIONSHIPS LEAD TO MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

During an interview for a job he was then seeking as a minor league manager in the Oakland organization, Bob Boone was asked to speak about the reputation he had as a catcher who so effectively “handled” pitchers. Boone, now having managed in the major league for a number of years, responded at that time, “I didn’t handle pitchers, I established relationships with them.” His point was that he intended to do the same as a manager.

Good relationships are established through effective communication. Boone’s use of the term made a distinction between manipulation and arbitrariness on the part of the message sender and the mutual respect and understanding between the sender and the receiver of whatever is being communicated.

From the book "Coaching the Mental Game" by H. A. Dorfman

URBAN MEYER'S NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET FOR SUCCESS -- DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIPS

It's no surprise but the more you read into Ohio State's turnaround under Urban Meyer, the more you see he is continuing that which served him well at Florida and other coaching stops.  For him, it's about the relationship -- with individuals and with his team.  You can read between the lines and see that developing those relationships through communication are part of the strategy he utilizes.

There was a great article earlier written by Chuck Culpepper for the Washington Post titled: "Rise of Ohio State’s Urban Meyer fueled by player relationships"  -- you can read it in it's entirety hear but here are a few of the excerpts the resonated with me:

“To be honest, the biggest thing about Urban is he instilled more confidence in players than I’ve ever seen before,” said Revill, 34, a then-defensive back. “You could be a very average football player and he could make you feel like you were an all-star. Really, every player felt like we could be the best team in the country when before we knew our statistics didn’t show that. He basically said, ‘We have a scheme in place that literally, if you buy into the system and we execute it properly, we will not lose …’

“People that had negative attitudes the year before were buying in and people you wouldn’t expect to buy into a system like that bought in.” Tardiness ebbed. “He got guys who completely changed their lifestyle and got them where they were 100-percent involved.”

In Revill’s words and in others, that seems to have combined with an accessibility to players infrequent in the icons of last century if more common nowadays. All along the way, Meyer seemed to understand football as a collaborative human experience, and that understanding it that way actually might help the football.

When Florida reached the BCS Championship Game in Meyer’s second season, players there told of atmospheric shifts in the program. Linebacker Brandon Siler said the emphasis had changed to value togetherness so that, “We play for each other and we care about the guy next to us.” Receiver Jemalle Cornelius managed to mention “going bowling and hanging out all the time.” Offensive tackle Steve Rissler said, “I didn’t really go to my coach’s house in the last coaching staff. This time, I have been numerous times and hung out with their kids. I know his wife.”

To this day, Revill values dinners he had, as a captain, with Meyer, Meyer’s wife, Shelley, and Revill’s wife, Carlye.

“He is a good guy,” Revill said of Meyer, “but I don’t think him going with the captain of the team to dinner is because he wants to be nice. It’s because it’s a part of his plan, a part of him wanting to get people super-involved in what he’s doing.”

SHAKA SMART: ATTENTION TO DETAILS & CARE ABOUT YOUR PEOPLE

The following is a brief excerpt from an article on Shaka Smart titled "The Tao of Shaka."  The article was written by Michael Litos for NBC Sports. You can read the entire article here -- it's well worth the read!

“He believes in people more than they believe in themselves,” says current assistant coach Mike Morrell. “He does that with players, GAs, managers, assistant coaches. He’s done it to me. He sees what we can be better than we can. He sees what’s in us.”

Smart doesn’t carry a commanding physical presence. He’s typically average in build and form. If he weren’t a popular basketball coach consistently in the media glare, he could be in line next to you picking up dry cleaning and you wouldn’t notice him.

He can go the route of the screaming coach, and he has, but Smart prefers pointed feedback, typically a positive spin on concepts like having a growth mindset. No matter the first half performance of his VCU team, he doesn’t peel paint in locker rooms. It’s the same thing, a consistent message of what needs to be done to create success.

No, Smart is not a commanding physical presence, but he commands the room through his relentlessly positive words and his caring actions. Spending time with his players is very important to Smart.

That’s perhaps the potion that allows him to connect with players as the leader of the VCU basketball program while helping, as he says, “move them forward” in their life.

That occurs outside the gym and basketball offices, where they see firsthand what types of advantages college basketball players have.

Each holiday season the players shop for Christmas gifts with underprivileged children in their community through a program with Target. It’s jarring for them to have a 10-year-old ask for a winter jacket as their gift. He gives them leadership opportunities as well. Junior Melvin Johnson spoke at a Richmond TEDx event. Smart has meditated with players to help them deal with the pressures of basketball and school life. He is not afraid of the concept of love in a decidedly manly atmosphere. The word love hangs on a plaque outside his office. In fact, he called or texted one of his players, who grew up without a father, to tell him he loved him.
Every day.

It was important to Smart that the player understood that he could have a strong, positive male role model in his life. It’s the real life part of his job that Smart very much enjoys and very much takes seriously, even amid being the overseer of college basketball’s havoc.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

It isn’t exclusive to players. Smart cares about everyone and everything, and a part of that caring is holding people accountable and challenging them. Attention to detail matters. Wade was Smart’s first hire, and he remembers the very first scouting report he prepared. It was for Bethune-Cookman, a game where VCU wrote a check to get an easy victory at home to open the season.

“I thought I had everything for him,” recalls Wade. “He started peppering me with all sorts of questions I would’ve never anticipated. I thought I was thorough but I wasn’t close.”

Smart wanted video of the Bethune-Cookman freshmen, which meant Wade had to call high school coaches. Smart wanted every detail on the seventh or eighth man in the rotation.

“He stretches you,” says Wade. “He’s always asking questions and you better have the answers. I thought ‘that’s how we are going to do it.’ You think you’re prepared but not at that level. I learned that’s how you do it in the big time. And I appreciate that from him.”

RELATIONSHIPS ARE WHAT IT'S ABOUT

"Yes, we’re disciplined with what we do. But that’s not enough. Relationships with people are what it’s all about. You have to make players realize you care about them. And they have to care about each other and be interested in each other. Then they start to feel a responsibility toward each other. Then they want to do for each other."

-Gregg Popovich

OFF-SEASON THOUGHTS -- DAY #2: THE TWO ADVANTAGES OF INDIVIDUAL WORKOUTS

OFF-SEASON THOUGHTS -- DAY #2: During this 10-day period, we are going to load up our blog on thoughts that are relevant to developing or improving your off-season program.  We will delve on off-season topics from player development and drill work to motivation and team building.  It will be our sincere wish that over the next 10 days we can provide you with at least one item or thought that will help you and your program.

One of the things I enjoy most about the off-season is the individual workout time you have with a player.  Not only can your work directly with a player but it is the perfect time and environment to grow and improve a relationship.  Players never feel more special than when a coach gives them individual attention.  With that comes trust and more open communication.  It's a major reason I was thrilled that the NCAA created some guidelines that allow us to work individually with players in the summer.  Certainly skill development is improved but so do more important things like learning and understanding each other at a higher level.

Along those lines, I'd like to share some guidelines form Bill Walsh (from "Finding The Winning Edge") on working with players that speaks to teaching as well as relationships:

 

·         Have answers

·         Be an expert in your specialized area

·         Isolate the skills and the techniques that are essential to each position

·         Develop a plan on how best to teach these skills and techniques

·         Treat each player as a unique person

·         Demonstrate sincere interest in each player

·         Gain the players’ confidence by working with each athlete to help him reach his full potential by enhancing his level of abilities

·         Determine how each player best responds to instruction

·         Be sensitive to and flexible with the players’ moods and demeanors while teaching and coaching

·         Search for and implement new ways to teach and impart information and to get and maintain the attention level of the players

·         Move on quickly to a different method of handling the situation if your current approach to dealing with and teaching your players is not eliciting the intended level of results

·         Exhibit strength and persistence in your dealings with your players. Hold your players to the highest expectations

·         Be personal with your players, but not too familiar. Excessive familiarity, in a misguided attempt to be socially accepted by your players, will prevent you from fully developing their performance potential

·         Avoid attempting to communicate with your players in their vernacular or their 1990s dialect. Be natural in all of your dealings. Anything else will be perceived as phony

COACH K TAKES POINTERS FROM WIFE AND DAUGHTERS TO IMPROVE TEAM RELATIONSHIPS

The following is an excerpt of an article from FoxBusiness.com written by Michael Stallard. It is a lengthy article with incredible depth and detail on importance of communication and relationships and how Coach Mike Krzyzewski learned from his wife and daughters.  It's well worth it to read the entire article here. But here are some of the more important points that I took from the article:

Coach K’s perspective took a major turn when, having grown up in male-dominated cultures, he found himself outnumbered at home by his wife, Mickie, and their three daughters. Every night at dinner he observed how Mickie and the girls reconnected by sharing the details of their day, including how they felt about it.  Whereas guys cut to the chase in conversations, Mickie and the girls invested time each day.

He also observed how attuned Mickie and the girls were to how people felt.  Their intuition was  like radar.  Time and again, Mickie would sense when something was bothering one of Coach  K’s players.  She was nearly always right so he learned it was wise to follow up and ask the player if something was wrong.  Sure enough, something was always amiss and talking about the problem made the player feel, and play, better.  When he didn’t follow up, the player would be out of sync with the team and performance suffered.

Coach K’s “ah-ha” moment, his epiphany about the importance of connection and relationships, transformed his coaching style.  He began involving Mickie and his daughters in the Duke men’s basketball program.  The Krzyzewski women became, in military terms, a reconnaissance team to sense the state of relationships and emotions, and the sense of connection, community and unity among the team.  They thought of the boys as extended members of their family.  They hugged them.  (Hugs have been found to boost the trust hormone oxytocin.)  As Coach K became more intentional about developing the feeling of connection among the team, it helped produce superior results.

Consider a few of Coach K’s quotes that appeared in an excellent article from a few years ago:

• “Almost everything in leadership comes back to relationships”
• “When he recruits a player, Krzyzewski tells him, ‘We’re developing a relationship here, and if you are not interested, tell me sooner rather than later.’  That word — relationship — is one he uses frequently.  [He tells players] ‘If you come here, for however long, you’re going to unpack your suitcase.  We’re going to form a bond, and you’re going to be part of this family.’”
• “Game day is not a day for long, drawn-out speeches.  It is a time for interaction.”
• “Know their names.  You know what? Please and thank you go a long way.  You can be damn sure that every guy on my team says that.  The best way to get better as a team is if everyone has ownership, and if you do these things they will.”

The Connection Culture:  Vision + Value + Voice

The key to developing connection can be summarized in a simple, easy-to-remember formula: Vision + Value + Voice.  When members of a group of any size, from a basketball team to a business organization, share a vision that makes them feel proud, feel valued, and feel that they have a voice to express their ideas and opinions, it creates a connection, a bond, a feeling of unity or esprit de corps.  
In groups where connection is high, members give their best efforts (i.e. employee engagement) and they align their behavior with group goals (i.e. strategic alignment).  When times get tough, as they periodically do, groups with connection pull together rather than tear one another apart.  Connection is the force that differentiates a dog-eat-dog culture from a sled dog team that pulls together.

Duke’s men’s basketball has developed a sustainable competitive advantage thanks to Coach K and the lessons he’s learned from the women in his life. 

IT'S ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIPS

If you want to impact the life of your players, you have to care about much more than their jump shot.  In fact, caring about them off the court -- in the classroom and with their personal lives will allow you to teach them better on the court.  During my coaching career, I had no better example of coaches that care beyond the court than Dale Brown.  The following gives you just a small look at how Coach Brown cares about his student-athletes with a story about his relationship with Shaquille O'Neal:

"His thing was - go to class, get your education," Shaq said as he introduced Brown as the recipient of the Colangelo Award. "I wanted to test his theory out, so one day I didn't go to class.  About 4:30 the next morning I felt the hand of God on my chest. I looked up, and it was Dale Brown. I still don't know how he got in my room, but he did. Then he ran me from about 4:30 to 7:30 - and then I had to go to class. I said, 'You know what -€“ I'll never miss class again.'"

That tough love eventually helped Shaq believe in himself and conquer many demons, including forcing the now popular commercial spokesman for several national brands to attend speech class.

"I brought him in and showed him his schedule," Brown laughed.  "He said, '€˜Speech class - c-c-c-coach - I don't want to be in speech class.' I said 'Well, you're going to be.' To show you how conscientious he is - the first time he had to give a speech, he came to my office and asked 'Can you shut the door and turn off the phones? Will you critique the speech for me?' So I did. Next, he wanted me to go to class. He had the highest GPA on our team, which most people don't know."

"The heart of a coach - at least my heart - is the relationship you have with players," said Brown.

The above is are excerpts from an article at Fox Sports and was written by Jennifer Hale.  You can read the entire article here.

CHAMPIONSHIP TEAMS ARE NOT A "MECHANIC" PROCESS

Most coaches I know spend a lot of time focusing on X's and O's.  I must admit that at times I've fallen in that trap myself.  But what fascinates most people about sports is not the endless chatter about strategy that fills the airwaves.  It's what I like to call the spiritual nature of the game.

I can't pretend to be an expert in leadership theory.  But what I do know is that the art of transforming a group of young, ambitious individuals into an integrated championship team is not a mechanic process.  It's a mysterious juggling act that requires not only a thorough knowledge of the time-honored laws of the game but also an open heart, a clear mind, and a deep curiosity about the ways of the human spirit.

From "Eleven Rings" by Phil Jackson

THE BEAR AND A LESSON IN HUMAN RELATIONS

Coach Don Meyer loves to tell this story.  It's one that Bear Bryant told from time to time to his booster clubs.  It is also the essence of recruiting -- relationships.  We shared some thoughts on character in a recent blog -- defining as who you are when no one is watching.  It can be also defined as how you treat people when you don't believe there is no benefit involved for yourself.  Here is the story that Coach Meyer likes to tell:

I had just been named the new head coach at Alabama and was off in my old car down in South Alabama recruiting a prospect who was supposed to have been a pretty good player and I was havin’ trouble finding the place. Getting hungry I spied an old cinder block building with a small sign out front that simply said, “Restaurant.”  I pull up, go in and every head in the place turns to stare at me. Seems I’m the only white ‘fella’ in the place. But the food smelled good so I skip a table and go up to a cement bar and sit. A big ole man in a t-shirt and cap comes over and says, “What do you need?”  I told him I needed lunch and what did they have today?  He says, “You probably won’t like it here, today we’re having chitlins, collared greens and black eyed peas with cornbread. I’ll bet you don’t even know what chitlins are, do you?”  I looked him square in the eye and said, “I’m from Arkansas, I’ve probably eaten a mile of them. Sounds like I’m in the right place.”  They all smiled as he left to serve me up a big plate. When he comes back he says, “You ain’t from around here then?”  And I explain that I’m the new football coach in Tuscaloosa at the University and I’m here to find whatever the boy’s name was and he gives me directions to the school so I can meet him and his coach. As I’m paying up to leave, I remember my manners and leave a tip, not too big to be flashy, but a good one and he told me lunch was on him, but I told him for a lunch that good, I felt I should pay.  The big man asked me if I had a photograph or something he could hang up to show that I’d been there. I was so new that I didn’t have any yet. It really wasn’t that big of a thing back then to be asked for, but I took a napkin and wrote his name and address on it and told him I’d get him one.

I met the kid I was lookin’ for later that afternoon and I don’t remember his name, but do remember I didn’t think much of him when I met him. I had wasted a day, or so I thought.

When I got back to Tuscaloosa late that night, I took that napkin from my shirt pocket and put it under my keys so I wouldn’t forget it. Heck, back then I was excited that anybody would want a picture of me. And the next day we found a picture and I wrote on it, “Thanks for the best lunch I’ve ever had, Paul Bear Bryant.”

Now let’s go a whole ‘buncha’ years down the road. Now we have black players at Alabama and I’m back down in that part of the country scouting an offensive lineman we sure needed. He’s got two friends going to Auburn and he tells me he’s got his heart set on Auburn too, so I leave empty handed and go on to see some others while I’m down there. Two days later, I’m in my office in Tuscaloosa and the phone rings and it’s this kid who just turned me down, and he says, “Coach, do you still want me at Alabama?”  And I said, “Yes I sure do.”  And he says o.k. He’ll come. So I say, “Well son, what changed your mind?”  And he said, “When my Grandpa found out that I had a chance to play for you and said no, he pitched a fit and told me I wasn’t going nowhere but Alabama, and wasn’t playing for nobody but you. He thinks a lot of you and has ever since ya’ll met.”  Well, I didn’t know his granddad from Adam’s housecat so I asked him who his granddaddy was and he said, “You probably don’t remember him, but you ate in his restaurant your first year at Alabama and you sent him a picture that he’s had hung in that place ever since. That picture’s his pride and joy and he still tells everybody about the day that Bear Bryant came in and had chitlins with him. My grandpa said that when you left there, he never expected you to send that picture to him, but you kept your word, and to Grandpa, that’s everything. He said you could teach me more than football and I had to play for a man like you, so I guess I’m going to.”

I was floored. But I learned that the lessons my mamma taught me were always right. It don’t cost nuthin’ to be nice. It don’t cost nuthin’ to do the right thing most of the time and it costs a lot to lose your good name by breakin’ your word to someone. When I went back to sign that boy, I looked up his Grandpa and he’s still running that place, but it looks a lot better now; and he didn’t have chitlins that day, but he had some ribs that would’ made Dreamland proud and I made sure I posed for a lot of pictures; and don’t think I didn’t leave some new ones for him too, along with a signed football. I made it clear to all my assistants to keep this story and these lessons in mind when they’re out on the road. And if you remember anything else from me, remember this – it really doesn’t cost anything to be nice, and the rewards can be unimaginable.

 

JON GORDON ON DOGS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Any reader of our blogs or those that follow us on twitter already know of my admiration for Jon Gordon.  He is an "impact player" in the game of life.  Through his books and speaking he is changing teams and individuals on a daily basis.  I have all of Jon's books and they have all impacted me.  His most recent book "One Word" has me on a path in which I have now lost 16 pounds.

 

Jon also has an email newsletter.  I look forward to each of them but really loved his most

recent one dealing with stress.  Like Jon, I too am a dog lover and understand the effects that unwavering loyalty and unconditional love can do for a relationship.  The photo above is of Miles -- our basset hound -- who both entertains and reduces level of stress in my life.

 

I strongly urge all of our readers to go to http://www.jongordon.com/ and register at the top for Jon's free newsletter.  Take some time to view the rest of the website.  And if you are one of the few that haven't already, invest in some of Jon's books.  As I mentioned, I have them all but "Training Camp" and "Energy Bus" are my two favorites. 

 

Here is what Jon had to say not only about dogs but about the importance of relationships:

 

Dharma "the love dog" greets me as I walk out of my bedroom in the morning. Then she rolls on her back letting me know she wants me to rub her belly. I really want to but I can’t stop thinking of all the things I have to do today. I feel busy, stressed and the last thing I want to do is stop to pet my dog.

 

Dharma must sense what I’m feeling because she gives me this loving look as if to say “Don’t walk away. Pet me. It will benefit you as much as it does me.”

 

I’ve read the research and I know she’s right. Petting our dogs reduces our stress, boosts our immune system, enhances our happiness and improves our overall well-being. If I would just stop for a few moments and spend quality time with her I would be the one who benefits most.

 

It’s the same way with the relationships in our life.

 

If we made time to invest in our relationships and spent quality time with our family, friends and colleagues we would dramatically improve the quality of our lives and careers.

 

Yet, too often busyness and stress cause us to focus on what is urgent instead of what matters most. We focus on our to-do list instead of people and our own survival instead of building thriving relationships.

 

That’s why I often say that busyness and stress are the enemies of great marriages, leadership, teamwork, relationships, and customer service. Busyness and stress keep us from caring about the people and things we are supposed to care about.

 

In many ways it’s not our fault. Science tells us that when we feel busy and stressed we activate the reptilian part of our brain. If you know anything about reptiles they will never love you. Reptiles want to eat you. They are all about survival. And so are we when we feel busy and stressed. Creating meaningful relationships is the last thing on our mind when we are stressed. Instead our reptilian brain is thinking about how to just make it through the day and it will eat anyone for lunch that gets in its way.

 

The good news, however, is that we have another part of the brain called the neocortex. I call it the Positive Dog part of our brain and we activate it when we love, care, pray, and practice gratitude. In any moment we can override the reptile with the positive dog.

 

We can choose to love people instead of ignoring them. We can choose to slow down instead of rushing. And we can choose to be thankful instead of stressed.

 

In fact, the research shows we can’t be stressed and thankful at the same time. So anytime we are feeling busy and stressed we can pause, take some deep breaths, focus on gratitude, and change how we approach the day and the people in our life.

 

This brings us back to Dharma as she waits for me to rub her belly. My reptilian brain is telling me to keep moving, hurry up, eat breakfast and ignore the dog. But I can’t. I won’t.

 

I know how and why busyness and stress can sabotage my joy and relationships. I know the antidote to busyness and stress is a positive thought away. I know that in each moment of my busy life I can override the reptile and focus on my relationships. And I know that when I make relationships my top priority everything in my life is better.

 

When you know better... you do better.

 

So I sit down and join Dharma on the floor and rub her belly. Then I make my way into the kitchen to talk to my wife and kids before school. It turns out to be the beginning of a positive and productive day.

 

-Jon

 

Now that you know how busyness and stress can sabotage relationships, what will you do better to make relationships a priority. Share your thoughts on my blog, Facebook Page, or Twitter.

 

Note: To read more about the science and benefits of positivity read The Positive Dog. To read more about cultivating engaged relationships read Soup.

DON MEYER: SERVANT LEADERSHIP TOUR 2012 (PART I)

RELATIONSHIPS

1. Parental influence: Why do you play baseball? "I guess because my dad always wanted me to be a baseball player." -The Natural

2. "Did you call your mama today? I sure wish I could've called mine." -Bear Bryant

3. "We don't have a lot of customers but we sure have a lot of friends." -Huron Sale Barn

4. Soft Rain vs. Hard Rain  --  Every day teach your philosophy. k Do not knock them over with a fire hose.

5. You can tell a lot about a person by the way that they treat someone who can't do anything for them or to them.

6. A friend is someone you do not have to measure your thoughts or wright your words before talking with them.

VINCE LOMBARDI ON THE KEY INGREDIENT OF SUCCESS

"There are a lot of coaches with good ball clubs who know the fundamentals and have plenty of discipline but still don’t win the game. Then you come to the third ingredient: If you’re going to play together as a team, you’ve got to care for one another. You’ve got to love each other. Each player has to be thinking about the next guy.”

-Vince Lombardi