From the book, "Red and Me," by Bill Russell with Alan Steinberg.Some people think that friends have to be equals in everything -- in other words, what I get from you must be equal to what you get from me. That is not necessarily so. What you need that I can provide, and what I need that you can provide, may be very different. Friendship depends on what you give to each other, not what you get from each other. But there's no magic formula. At best there are some guidepost to steer by.
One of the most important is learning to let someone be you friend. Sounds rather simple, doesn't it? But it's not that common. It takes the desire and commitment to learn all you can about someone, an appreciation for your common humanity, and the ability to allow that person to be who he or she is, without conditions.
On his friendship with Red Auerbach:
A big part of our foundation was that we didn't want anything from each other except friendship. So it wasn't necessary to share everything about ourselves. It was more as if we were saying, "You're here now, and that's sufficient." We both knew what was important, in basketball and life, and what we irrelevant. That was how we overcame our differences.
Another quality I admired in Red -- and this is a critical aspect of how to be a man and how to be a friend -- was that he knew how to listen. If I told him something that was important to me, let's say, as a player, he would not only listen carefully but also absorb it and then act on it to somehow help me or the team. In fact, he was the best listener I have ever encountered. It was the secret of his success: great ears. Listening was how he first discovered that we perceived most things the same way. Another key element was that everything Red did in relation to me was thoughtful. Normally, friends slip up on occasion and say or do something uncivil or rude. I can't recall Red ever saying or doing anything uncivil or rude to me. He always behaved sensitively and carefully with me because he valued my respect.
Real friendships have ups and downs. Over time, there will be things the other person does that you don't like. But they're rolling hills, not mountains. You just say to yourself, "I wouldn't want it any other way because that's the way he is." The other person shouldn't have to compromise who he is, or change a thing about himself, to be your friend. You cannot base a friendship on illusions. I express my friendship equation this way: My ambition as your friend is that my friendship has a positive influence on your quality of life. If I am able to accomplish that, it will enhance my quality of life.
Another important ingredient in our early relationship that allowed us to click was discovering that our man common interest was our work ethic. We were both result-oriented -- our egos were satisfied by doing good work.
Philosophically speaking, men make friends completely differently than women do, even if the main elements -- understanding, trust, respect -- are the same. Most men I know don't talk about their feelings or even, usually, about their friendships. They just let it unfold.
